I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize