Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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