I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
