It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I wish you could order shots online.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
