Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
