everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
