Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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