The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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