You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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