Don't make out with my wife yet
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Someone shattered a urinal.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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