god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
