we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
