hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
