I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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