Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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