i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
