went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
