also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
