She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
