im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
