he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
