you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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