i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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