cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
