drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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