im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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