I just pynch a tree in the face
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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