you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize