Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
