I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
