I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
