On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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