It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
