Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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