Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm too high and old for this...
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