i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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