If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
