Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
