Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
