You made me cry and you don't even care
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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