Can i not drive my cunt home
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
