i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I want a musical about memes.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
