I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
