I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
