Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
