Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
