i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
