I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
