Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
