He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
