she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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