I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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