How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
