the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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