I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
