im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
