i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
