she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
