She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Did I show you my penis last night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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