i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
